Wednesday, May 28, 2003
As much as I try to let my head do some of the thinking, my heart always steps in and controls my actions.
Last night I met up with Ahmad and told him that I thought it would be best if we pursued our new found relationship as friends. I was unsure as to how he would take the news. Although we have only known each other for a week, I could tell that his feelings were progressing way too fast. So, in order to get us on the same page, I invited him over for a pot session.
When Ahmad showed up at my apartment, he was all smiles. He could tell that something was wrong with me almost immediately and without any hesitation, we dove into a conversation about us. I explained that I am just not ready to let go of Paul completely. Against my better judgement, I am still greatly in love with Paul. He consumes most of my thoughts every day and it wouldn’t be fair to Ahmad for me to continue being with him in the same way. I told him that I thought he was an incredible person and that at a different time in our lives, we might be perfect for each other. I further explained that I was most afraid of hurting him down the road and ultimately destroying any chance we could have at a friendship.
Ahmad was immediately upset. He did his best to hide the way he felt and to be logical about the situation. When that didn't work, he pulled every trick in the book. He told me he couldn’t be “just friends”. He told me that he would give me the world. He told me that he was ready to change my life in the most positive of ways. Without saying it, he told me that he was quickly and for the first time in his life, falling in love.
I countered everything he said with ease and did my best to make him see that a friendship is what is best for us right now. Ultimately I realized that there was no getting through to him. Ahmad was hurt and I was grateful that I had this conversation with him as quickly as I did. It horrified me to think how he would have felt had I waited another week. I told him to go home and to put me out of his head for a few days. The kid needs perspective and having me around all the time will not allow him that. He gave me a kiss on the cheek and walked out the door.
Tonight is supposed to be my one night with Paul for the week. Of course, Paul has fucked up the plans and we will not be hanging out afterall. Paul has no respect for anyone, but himself. Nothing changes. But I have realized something about MYSELF. I am not scared of losing Paul anymore. I am not scared of living my own life, independent of a boyfriend. I am not scared of stepping out into the world alone. For so long I lived under this façade that I needed a boy, that I needed someone to take care of me. Now I see that that’s a bunch of horseshit. No one needs ANYONE else to make them happy. Happiness comes from within. Gosh, it’s so easy to forget that sometimes.
As much as I would love to step out and meet a new guy…
As much as I would love to let go of Paul forever…
As much as I would love to shift my life into another direction…
I realize that I am still not ready. I have come farther with all of this stuff than I ever thought was possible. But now that I see that I have the ability to do these things, I want to focus on making small steps toward achieving them. Paul is still my number one. After 3 and half years, I don’t know how to treat my happiness as the primary priority. In my mind, I still worry about his happiness so much more of the time.
It may take weeks, it may take months…hell it could be another year of this. But deep down I know that eventually I will achieve the level of satisfaction and contentment that I have always wanted.
Eventually I will fall in love with someone who is right for me.
Last night I met up with Ahmad and told him that I thought it would be best if we pursued our new found relationship as friends. I was unsure as to how he would take the news. Although we have only known each other for a week, I could tell that his feelings were progressing way too fast. So, in order to get us on the same page, I invited him over for a pot session.
When Ahmad showed up at my apartment, he was all smiles. He could tell that something was wrong with me almost immediately and without any hesitation, we dove into a conversation about us. I explained that I am just not ready to let go of Paul completely. Against my better judgement, I am still greatly in love with Paul. He consumes most of my thoughts every day and it wouldn’t be fair to Ahmad for me to continue being with him in the same way. I told him that I thought he was an incredible person and that at a different time in our lives, we might be perfect for each other. I further explained that I was most afraid of hurting him down the road and ultimately destroying any chance we could have at a friendship.
Ahmad was immediately upset. He did his best to hide the way he felt and to be logical about the situation. When that didn't work, he pulled every trick in the book. He told me he couldn’t be “just friends”. He told me that he would give me the world. He told me that he was ready to change my life in the most positive of ways. Without saying it, he told me that he was quickly and for the first time in his life, falling in love.
I countered everything he said with ease and did my best to make him see that a friendship is what is best for us right now. Ultimately I realized that there was no getting through to him. Ahmad was hurt and I was grateful that I had this conversation with him as quickly as I did. It horrified me to think how he would have felt had I waited another week. I told him to go home and to put me out of his head for a few days. The kid needs perspective and having me around all the time will not allow him that. He gave me a kiss on the cheek and walked out the door.
Tonight is supposed to be my one night with Paul for the week. Of course, Paul has fucked up the plans and we will not be hanging out afterall. Paul has no respect for anyone, but himself. Nothing changes. But I have realized something about MYSELF. I am not scared of losing Paul anymore. I am not scared of living my own life, independent of a boyfriend. I am not scared of stepping out into the world alone. For so long I lived under this façade that I needed a boy, that I needed someone to take care of me. Now I see that that’s a bunch of horseshit. No one needs ANYONE else to make them happy. Happiness comes from within. Gosh, it’s so easy to forget that sometimes.
As much as I would love to step out and meet a new guy…
As much as I would love to let go of Paul forever…
As much as I would love to shift my life into another direction…
I realize that I am still not ready. I have come farther with all of this stuff than I ever thought was possible. But now that I see that I have the ability to do these things, I want to focus on making small steps toward achieving them. Paul is still my number one. After 3 and half years, I don’t know how to treat my happiness as the primary priority. In my mind, I still worry about his happiness so much more of the time.
It may take weeks, it may take months…hell it could be another year of this. But deep down I know that eventually I will achieve the level of satisfaction and contentment that I have always wanted.
Eventually I will fall in love with someone who is right for me.
